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I had to post this …

8 Dec

Today’s funny from http://www.mikeysfunnies.com

A calorie-conscious woman drove past a bakery and saw some gorgeous Christmas cookies.

She decided to pray about it:  “Lord, if you want me to have some of those delicious cookies, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.”

And sure enough, the eighth time around the block, there it was!

Signs you are drinking too much coffee

1 Nov

This was the email from http://www.mikeysfunnies.com  I read it and those who know me will KNOW why I had to post it!!!

 

SIGNS YOU’RE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE

~ Starbucks is accepting bids for a franchise located in your house.

~ The National Bank of Colombia has offered you a Platinum Visa card with zero percent interest.

~ Folgers has offered you a “distributors” franchise for your block.

~ Your co-workers are getting rich buying stock in companies that manufacture foam coffee cups.

~ You just went to the store and bought ten cases of non-diary creamer “to get you through the week.”

~ Those strange footprints in the ceiling of your office.

~ You haven’t slept in a week and no one notices, not even you.

~ You find yourself sneezing Folger’s Crystals.

~ Juan Valdez starts sending you hand-written Thank You notes.

~ You eat garlic to overcome coffee breath.

~ Your dentist upgrades to a belt sander.

~ Alvin & the Chipmunks start to sound like Barry White.

~ Auctioneers begin to make sense.

And the number 1 Sign You’ve Had Too Much Coffee…

~ YYoouu ssttaarrtt ttyyppiinng lliikkee tthhiiss..

You KNOW you watch too much TV when …

3 Oct

~ you’ve removed the power button from the remote.

~ you know the names of the top 10 lawn bowlers.

– you recite the lines word for word with the actors on TV Land.

~ you start recording soap operas so you don’t miss any of the plot.

~ your kids grow up thinking the only thing you can say is “shh, be quiet!”

~ you don’t think Bart Simpson is bad, just misunderstood.

~ commercials become more important than going to the bathroom.

~ you start recognizing extras in movies.

~ you continue to watch TV when the cable goes out.

~ you enjoy other climates by watching the snow on TV.

~ you send fan mail to cartoon characters.

~ your monthly cable/satellite bill is larger than your house payment.

~ you send fan mail to infomercial stars.

today’sTHOT============================

Anyone who says “Easy as taking candy from a baby” has never tried it.

 

(This was recently posted by http://www.mikeysfunnies.com)

Is there anything funny about growing old??

28 Sep

(Today’s post from http://www.mikeysfunnies.com)

You know you’re growing old when…

~ You’ve come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.

~ The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car-in the “ten items or less” lane.

~ You’ve stopped supporting your children and started supporting your parents.

~ You buy “age-defying” makeup and “anti-wrinkle” creams and believe they work.

~ You’ve realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.

~ You’ve had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic … “for the last time in a generation”

today’sTHOT============================

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Staff Solution

21 Sep

From time to time there are small complaints about our church staff. In an effort to appease everyone, we are firing our entire ministry staff and replacing them with the Ernest_AngleBot 3.0, designed by Robbie Roof and Paul D. Frazier.  We are thankful that the firmware was totally donated by ACS Technologies of Florence, provided Ernest wear an ACS polo shirt autographed by the one and only L. Dean Lisenby.

The AngleBot 3.0 will be equipped with 4G data and full cellular coverage. Will always be available for phone or video consultations. An internal fuse will prevent Ernest from preaching over 22.5 minutes. Multiple Bluetooth connections will allow Ernest to broadcast every type of worship music for the discerning listener. His holographic function will allow him to serve sanctuary, youth, and children’s worship simultaneously. He is the ultimate organizer and doesn’t need volunteers to serve, because he does everything!! No more need for an offering or fundraising … The AngleBot 3.0 is equipped with the latest and greatest printing technology, enabling him to print any needed funds!!

And the best part is he doesn’t even require a salary!! Just plug him into the wall and give him a quart of your finest synthetic oil once a month!!’

Ahhh, the joys of technology!

Membership has its privileges ….

19 Sep

About twelve years ago, someone (who no longer attends EBC or even lives in SC) came to me and told me I should produce a document outlining the rights and privileges of being a member of Ebenezer Baptist Church.  Hmmmph.  After a dozen years, I’ve got a rough-cut list.

But, first:  DID YOU COME TO SERVE, OR TO BE SERVED??

SERIOUSLY??  Do you seek membership with a church BECAUSE OF THE BENEFITS YOU GAIN??  IS THAT WHY JESUS DIED ON THE CROSS, SO YOU COULD HAVE FAMILY LIFE CENTER PRIVILEGES???

Here are the top ten benefits of being a member of Ebenezer (or, pretty much ANY Baptist church):

1.  You have the right to deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow Jesus Christ.  COMPLETELY.

2. You have the right to LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD with all of your body, mind, soul. and strength, and you have the right to LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR as you love yourself.

3. You have the right to go and sin no more, as commanded to by Jesus.

4. You have the right to give your TIME, your TALENT, and your TITHE to God.  You also have the right to GIVE YOURSELF COMPLETELY TO HIM AND HIS WILL.

5. You have the right to be judged by the ONE TRUE JUDGE.  Jesus Christ.  You DO NOT have the right to JUDGE OTHERS, as NONE OF US ARE QUALIFIED.

6. You have the right to DISCOVER THE GIFTS AND TALENTS GOD HAS GIVEN YOU and to exercise them with the full empowerment of the Holy Spirit.

7. You have the right to know the Holy Spirit walks with you, intercedes for you, prays for you when you don’t even know what to pray, gives you the words you need when you just can’t come up with them, and in every other way comes alongside you and holds you up for the purposes of the Kingdom of God.

8. You have the right to be salt to a rotting world and to be light to a dark world.

9. You have the right to find God’s perfect plan for your life, and to follow Him into it with great passion!

And, finally …

10. As a Baptist, you have the right to grape juice and tiny crackers about four times a year.

Too good NOT to share

14 Sep

This, today’s entry from http://www.mikeysfunnies.com, I dedicate to Bryan Howell (owner of Fire it Up here in Florence):

A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens.
“No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.” So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic.

“What am I going to do?” he thinks, “I’m a goner…”

Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can’t figure out where this man is coming from, or what he’s doing, but he thinks to himself, “Maybe he can help me. If he can’t, then I’m done for.”

When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”

The other man replies, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”

[forwarded by Carol Calvert]

today’sTHOT============================

It’s better to tell your money where to go than to ask where it went.

Doorbell fun

2 Sep

(Today’s email from http://www.mikeysfunnies.com)

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy’s position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?”

To which the boy turns and hollers, “Now we run!”

today’sTHOT============================

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners.

A tribute to Summer, 2010

24 Aug

This is today’s email from Mikey’s Funnies.  (You can subscribe at http://www.mikeysfunnies.com)

Read it and you will see why it fits Summer, 2010!!!

IT’S SO HOT THAT…

..The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

..The trees are whistling for the dogs.

..The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

..Hot water now comes out of both taps in the sink.

..You can make sun tea instantly.

..You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

..The temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little chilly.

..You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

..You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

..You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

..You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

..Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”

..You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

..Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

[forwarded by Johanna Boman]

today’sTHOT============================

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

God created Cat …

12 Aug

(THIS WAS TODAY’S EMAIL FROM Mikey’s Funnies.  Contact info below!!)

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted.

And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased. And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn’t care one way or the other.

(Today’s post from Mikey’s Funnies.  Subscribe at http://www.mikeysfunnies.com)